Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
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My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
watergate? u mean a dam??
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.