I have no idea what she’s talking about.
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{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Always
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Hank is one in a melon.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.