MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
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My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
Omg 🤣
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.