If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
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No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Wait a minute…
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
peep davidson
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Why aren’t auto body shops called…
“Fender Bender Menders??.”
And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.
And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo