Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
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why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
no!! no!!!!!!
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.