PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
You Might Also Like
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.