Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
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I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises