“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
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No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.