Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
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I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Just as the prophecy foretold
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit