Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
You Might Also Like
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.