him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
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Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
sleeping beauty
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”