I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
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We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out