I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
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Tuesday
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
work smarter, not harder
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
*bites zombie*
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.