PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
You Might Also Like
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Fights fire with marshmallows
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
🟩⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
🟩🟩🟩⬜️🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩🟩🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email