millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
You Might Also Like
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
@funTweeters I am at your service….
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.