If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
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Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.