If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
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I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”