Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
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HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
ACED my prostate exam!
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you