A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
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I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
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I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
mood
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever