Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
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[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
canadian assassins are called killergrams
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.