#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
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Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern