A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
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my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Alexa: *deep breath*
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her