Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
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Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
This is my pinned tweet
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Those are good neighbors.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*