Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
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I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
…u ok Nintendo?
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside