*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
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Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?