*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
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Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Sticker placement is key.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
what?
This is so me 😂😂
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help