there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
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The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
I know this now 😂
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.