I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
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I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
She: I like Cats
He: