Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
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Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!