What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
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Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!