Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
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The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.