Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
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[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Spa day..😅
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court