If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
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Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
You better watch out
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.