[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
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I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”