Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
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*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.