[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
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People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private