Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
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My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Good morning.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”