Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
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ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.