Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
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Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
next question.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?