Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
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The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
How to make infinite energy.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
I’m crying im so happy for them
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.