I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
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i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now