Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
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I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”