Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
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Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards