Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
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My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Catercrombie & Fish
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler