First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
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it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.