I don’t know what to do
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I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Love this guy
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?