the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
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Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
Stick it to the man
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*