I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
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Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Finally, an explanation.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Genius idea!!
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.