Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
You Might Also Like
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.