me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
You Might Also Like
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Yup.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.